some of u already knew this. me n my bf broke up a while ago...but we would still talk n hang out jus back n fourth with our relationship all the time. as of last night its officially over...no more talking, visiting, anything. it was his choice. i wasnt happy with it but i accepted it. he gave me the ultimatum of being w/him the way he wanted n seeing him all the time n if i couldnt do that then not be w/him at all. i knew i couldnt make things work the way he wanted because of school n everything else. i kno he got hurt because i wasnt able to see him as much. but theres nothing i can do...im the only one who had a car so time together depended on me. he didnt have school or work or anything to do for the time being. so he felt more alone n neglected.
im just hurting a lot...more than when we first broke up. probably because i kno that i cant see him or run to him when i have problems anymore. he said we'll be friends eventually...after we both get over this. i dont doubt that. but i cant take it. i have a fear of being alone...n he was the only bf that made me feel like i would never be alone...the only one that filled that void. i feel so lost n empty. i feel bad for making him feel neglected...i didnt do it intentionally...i just have school n other family stuff going on too.
he blames it on me tho. we used to live together in long beach at my old apt. my parents didnt kno about it. we were happy all the time. then i had to move out at the end of the school semester n spend the summer at home. it started going bad there. we were both sad n depressed. i was only able to see him twice over the summer cuz my parents are strict n i had a full load of summer classes. we were planning on living together again when i moved back for school but that didnt happen. i was having issues w/my old roommates over rent...they were supposed to take over my portion of the rent when i moved out ($500) n they knew that. its not like they didnt have enough...3 of them worked full time and the other one worked part time but made more than the other 3 anyways cuz she had a better job. but they decided not pay so they got evicted n they tried to blame it on me n my parents n plotted to all go against me in court. i knew they were gonna bring up cam in the courtroom so me n him decided to meet up w/my parents n tell them everything. so we did. i got in huge trouble n thats what prevented us from living together this school year. they didnt care that i had a bf...they were just mad that i let him live w/me because thats unacceptable to them no matter what the reason is. i was surprised they let me move back for school because i was expecting them to make me stay home n just go to school there. but thats the condition...if i mess up again or get bad grades i have to move back home till im done w/school. so i didnt see him as much because i was scared that they might catch me staying over at his place. i visit every weekend n stay over one night...either friday or saturday...but that wasnt enough for him. personally, even tho we couldnt live together this school year, i thought it was better being able to visit him at least once a week than breaking the rules again n having to move back n hardly being able to see him at all. if i proved to my parents i could do well n follow their rules they were gonna let me get my own studio apt the following school year n we woulda been together again then. but he couldnt wait that long, he started feeling too sad n lonely n it got us to where we're at now.
i blame myself because he always said i didnt try hard enough or made him feel unwanted.
enough of that tho. its time to start hanging out w.my friends again n catching up with all of them. also time to go out n meet new people...not looking for a relationship...just new friends n faces to get me up n back to being me again.
